January 30, 2011
the science of love. the science of eHarmony.com.
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Like Loic and I discussed many years ago, the best thing about being a blogger is the people you get to meet. It’s also true of being a cartoonist, as well. Cartooning opens doors.
Three weeks ago, the whole cartoonist thing somehow led me to Santa Monica, CA, sitting in the office of Dr. Gian Gonzaga, PhD.
Dr. Gian is the head research guy at eHarmony.com, the big dating site. You’ve probably seen the commercials.
We sat there and talked for about 3 hours. It was one of the most fascinating conversations I’ve had in… like, forever.
Gian’s research, both in academia and for eHarmony, asks very simple questions: What makes for successful couples? What makes for good long-term relationships?
And yeah, as someone who spends a lot of time every year designing fine art Valentines, I find the whole thing absolutely fascinating.
The one big takeaway from the conversation?
It’s called “eHarmony” for a reason. It’s not called “ePassion” or “eSex” or eHookUp or “eRomance” or “eOneNightStand”.
True love, lasting love, cannot exist without some sort of inherent “Harmony” in the relationship. And no amount of sex or passion or romance or money can make up for that. Hence the cartoon above [I actually drew that cartoon well over a year ago, long before I met up with eHarmony. Great minds think alike etc.].
And so eHarmony tries to match single people in a “harmonious” way, to give them a better chance at being in a happy relationship. Visit their site and dig around a little, you’ll see what I mean.
Another big takeaway from Gian?
People are designed for harmony.
We’ve evolved over millions of years to be a certain way. And if we act in such way that is not “in harmony” with this long-term evolved self, we will make ourselves unhappy.
We are made to be good people. We are made to love. We are especially made to love our children. We are made to care about one another (at least in close proximity). We are made to live good lives. We are basically programmed for goodness, and not evil.
The things that make us happy are the same things that made our prehistoric ancestors happy. Our true nature is hard-wired; our true nature has been evolved over millions of years. No amount of “Drugs & Hookers” is going to make you happy, no matter how much money you spend on them. Nature simply didn’t make you that way.
Funny: The day after our meeting, I then found myself in Las Vegas, attending CES on behalf of one of my clients, Intel.
It was REALLY interesting to be in Vegas the day after Dr. Gian. Walking around the bars and casinos, I witnessed a COMPLETELY different worldview from eHarmony’s, to say the least.
I really, really, really enjoyed my meeting with Dr. Gian. I left his office feeling totally energized with my brain on fire. Whatever your take on eHarmony may be, I’m always elevated by people who, in their own way, tried to build their lives and their work around something that isn’t trivial, something that actually matters both to our individual selves and humanity in general. Something not enough of us do. Good luck to him, I say.
[PS: I’m doing a wee Valentine cartoon promo with eHarmony. Watch this space…]
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Tags: Dr. Gian Gonzaga, eHarmony, eHarmony.com, Loic, Valentines Cartoons, Valentines Day
Gian really is incredibly interesting. Nature rewards us for being with someone we love. I genuinely enjoy listening to him and Jennie Chen (@misohungry) talk about it.
Looking forward to what you guys come up with.
It also isn’t called eWeGotSuedForDiscriminatingAgainstGays.
Too long, I guess?
Why do people confuse infatuation with love?
Life is about getting along. In love, in work, in family.
The dopamine of “new love’ seems to make people forget that they actually need to live with someone after the bloom is off the rose.
As much as anything it is about, caring, consideration and just ‘getting on’
Thanks Hugh!
I emailed them once and asked them why they exclude gay people. They replied that the were “based on scientific research” and that they didn’t have any data on gay people. What, like when we love each other it’s some fundamentally different mechanism? WTF?
Michael, Emma, eHarmony has had a same-sex matching service for a few years now (www.compatiblepartners.net) and more than 400,000 people have signed up to use it. You can find stories from some of the happy couples we’ve introduced here: http://www.compatiblepartners.net/success
Michelle, thanks!
Nicky, we couldn’t agree with you more.
Paul Breton
Director, Corporate Communications
eHarmony
Don’t know much about the science, but it worked for us.
Paul, that’s great to hear. I’m very glad about that. It shows you guys are listening and interested in making things better. It also shows you have a way to go to combat the perception you’re still anti-gay.
I checked on the main eHarmony site and was glad to see a link to the partners site (albeit a very small one at the bottom – still, it’s something).
Thanks for filling us in on these changes. I didn’t know and I’m sure many others don’t either.
Interesting observations.
Could it be that we’re programmed for both “harmony” and Vegas-style excitement? Too often it’s presumed that one lifestyle precludes the other, but most people have lived combinations of both.
Developed societies and many people in developing countries have abandoned the strict moralistic guidelines of the past. We’re still struggling to find a model of relationships that works for everybody in the long run. Many of us carry scars of the mistakes of being pioneers.
It’ll be interesting to see how eharmony’s research holds up in the long term. After all, people change. Just because people are congruent right now doesn’t mean they’ll remain that way for the next forty years.
medical alert
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