January 2, 2007
ok, so what’s the deal…
…When all you’re trying to do is be a good boyfriend/girlfriend/lover etc, and all the other person seems to want to do is drive you nuts?
Is there’s some kind of “It’s imperative that I drive your nuts” gene that we inherited from the chimps? Were chimps ever that crazy? What’s the deal with that?
Also, a female friend asked me this last night:
Why is it that so many super-smart women invariably insist on being smart in every aspect of their life, EXCEPT when it comes to dating?
“Hi, sorry, but you’re not STUPID or DAMAGED or POVERTY-STRICKEN or INEFFECTUAL enough for me. Get lost.”
Here’s my short answer: Females are generally not encouraged by society to be super-smart, at least, not overtly. And ESPECIALLY not in the techie/geeky super-smart way.
So as a result, by the time these super-smart young girl geeks have grown up to be women, society will have managed to inject them with all sorts of serious self-esteem issues. Which rarely comes in handy in the mate-choosing department.
Just my opinion.
Oh heck, it sounds like you just met my sister! Worst taste in men ever. She never picks anyone that would actually be good for her.
I think you’ve been reading my diary again, Hugh.
the techie/geeky super-smart guys rarely display outward confidence — a trait many women find more attractive than looks. the jerks have the outward confidence even if they lack the justifications.
to any techie/geeky super-smart guys reading this, nail the confidence and you’ll nail the chicks.
Hugh, I think you hit the nail on the head.
I agree with you and I have one more reason.
Most men are intimidated by super-smart women. They don’t deal easily with being outshined by a partner. This reduces drastically the amount of men available to those women.
Interesting point, Nia. Sort of like what Diana Vreeland, the former editor of U.S. Vogue once said:
“I married beneath myself. All women do.”
Hmm… as a single, smart-tech/geek girl, I find this theory quite intriguing…
Nia’s absolutely right: It’s very, very hard for a smart woman to find a man to “put up with” her, unless she’s willing to act dumb (and who wants to do that for a lifetime?).
But hang in there, smart girls — someday your prince will come, most likely when you’re not actually looking for him. Had I been actively seeking a husband, it would not have occurred to me to look at an Italian mathematician!
And it’s a damn good thing too. If I didn’t have the consolation of being able to date way out of my league I’d have little consolation for being a failed artist/menial labourer at 31.
They never stay though.
This is really bugging me and I thinking I’m starting to figure out why. Nerdy/Smart girls often scare the crap out of guys who don’t want to hang out with chicks who are smarter than they are.
Perfectly decent guys hightail it the other direction when faced with a woman who will rebuild her own computer or write her own code. What’s left? Other nerds (who often have lousy social skills, sorry, and a bin full of seconds.
Or, what Nia said.
Nia, I’d second that. I work as a programmer in a city where most of the men my age cook and wait tables for a living. It gets weird. Finding one that isn’t intimidated and is actually ambitious is difficult.
Truth? There’s no accounting for taste or chemistry.
That said, a woman’s chemistry may sometimes be jump started by means of the catalyst of knowing a man’s interested enough to take a gulp of vulnerability and simply say, “I want you; let us go off together somewhere quiet & figure out why that’s so.”
Speaking of smart: western culture has failed to value the brand of smart that goes beyond the collection & recitation of factoids. I know why that’s happened (education), my question is how it’s impacted success, including chemical attraction.
Smart men aren’t intimidated by smart women — they just get so annoyed at those women telling everyone just how smart they are that they have the choice of either walking away or scooping their brains out with a spork to relieve the pain.
A truly smart woman knows that she doesn’t have to prove her intellect at every opportunity and then blog about it over and over and over again on a blog that is only ever read by other “smart” women who agree completely and also blog about it on their own blogs.
With the whole “intimidation” factor — what woman would want a man that has that kind of issue anyway? If his dick shrinks because you’re smart, then leave the chump. And if you’re relationships are always going wrong because you believe it’s about you being “smart” — you should re-evalutate, because it could be about the attitude you have about being smart.
I think being smart isn’t unlike being beautiful — I (and maybe men, too) find it attractive when someone isn’t entirely aware of ‘how great they are’.
Oh, give it a rest…to paraphrase: “society has made us have low-self esteem…”
That is really lame. Being human is hard. Being a full human when the ads all show inhumanly fit/attractive folk having a good time (when you feel small, poor or inadequate etc.) is really hard. Try to rise above it but don’t forget the people that didn’t make it because their expectations were raised too high by some sh*t trying to sell a Rolex or some other stupid bauble.
Sorry, folks. I’m smart, happy, etc. now but wasn’t formerly. Trust me, it does get better.
The “guys don’t like smart women” sounds like a nice cover issue, that can hide the real reason for the relationship problems.
Remember the common factor in all your failed relationships: you. (that applies to guys and gals)
it’ll be a true love!
In my experience, very few smart men actually do want a smart woman. This is in part why my last ex fell into the “ineffectual, poverty-stricken” categories– NOBODY ELSE WOULD HAVE ME. If I date way below my “status,” I can actually get someone to date.
Course, now I have quit dating entirely because I’m sick of people below me, and nobody equal or above me would have me. So, there ya go. No wonder we’re all neurotic.
Hey, Bob the Milkman,
You sound hot. Wanna screw? I won’t try to prove to you that I’m smart…only in bed. >:)
Now women, don’t get your britches in a knot. I’m mostly kidding.
But seriously, I agree with you Milkman. The ones who try to prove they’re smart just come off looking like a bitter, ugly bitch. Then everyone looks at her thinking, “Oh, no wonder why she’s still single.”
Many “smart” women also don’t think it’s all that important to maintain their appearance. What is up with that? Just because you think you’re smart doesn’t mean you have the right to do such disservice to the general public! Grab some lip gloss for goodness sakes!
“Smart” women are such a pain in the ass, too. You try to have a conversation with them, and when you offer a different point of view, they POUNCE on you with their uber-multisyllabic words. Then you’re left resigning from the conversation because it’s simply not worth your breath to continue, and you think, “Ok, ok. You’ve successfully proven your stupidity.”
In my experience with guys, the ones who say they “want a smart woman who can debate the issues and maintain an interesting conversation” really mean they want someone who will be challenging enough for entertainment but who they will ultimately be able to defeat in the debate.
Guys my age (early 20’s) tell me to my face that they are intimidated by my beauty and intelligence. And at this age, most have not achieved enough to feel they have enough clout to balance me out.
The guys who do have the balls to pursue me and have the track record of achievements along with the bank account to support it are at least 10 years my senior and thus really creepy.
(sigh) So what is a girl to do? My uncle tells me I will one day find the man who will challenge me and feel equally challenged by me, and that we will make each other very happy. But then again, he is my uncle.
In any case, I hope he’s right.
And I hope this is true for all the smart women reading this (notice I didn’t use quotes, so I don’t mean the “smart” women). And when we find those wonderful men, perhaps we can all get together in the Mediterranean for a fabulous party. =)
Ciao.
Meh, if I wanna date, I’ll play by my rules. But, I’d much rather have a career.
Male 2.0 isn’t intimidated by brilliant women.
That’s right, Keith. Male 2.0 is intimidated by guys with bigger dicks and bank accounts than them
Gah! we all have issues! :p
Some of it is age/maturity. Everyone has to grow up before they are capable of anything decent in terms of a relationship.
I don’t think (young) men were intimidated by my intelligence, so much as intimidated by my marriagability. I was good enough to marry — it was no big thing — but I knew it, and they did too. So they ran. Makes sense, I mean, who wants to get married young?
Now I’m happily married to a man who loves that I’m smart and type A. It enables him to be funny, laid-back, smart, and type B — which we both prefer.